When I was pregnant (my son will be 49 next week), I thought about pregnancy and his birth every day. It was all-consuming. A similar thing is happening with the next big transition, death. Since my oncologist told me in July of 2023 that she wanted to refer me to hospice because I would probably be dead within 6 months, I have thought about it every day.
I didn’t fully believe her, and I didn’t accept the referral to hospice, but I started preparing for the inevitable. I did accept her referral to a palliative care doctor and have been meeting with her monthly for 1 ½ years now. Although my many medical teams and I have been holding cancer back since 1989, we haven’t stopped it. We’ve just slowed it down. It has continued to progress and has been part of my life for 36 years now. I know I won’t be the one person who gets out of this life alive, and chances are cancer is going to be my ticket out.
I took a superb class on Zoom called “Peaceful Exit“ (www.peacefulexit.net) that helped me “get my affairs in order.” I went through the legal minutiae, and the emotional grief of closing Healing Journeys, so someone else wouldn’t have to do it after I was gone.
I started reading many great books about death. My favorite was “The Grace in Dying: A Message of Hope, Comfort, and Spiritual Transformation” by Kathleen Dowling Singh. She said Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s 5 stages of letting go didn’t go far enough. When you get to the 5th stage, Acceptance, you are still in the mental ego. Death requires that you let go of that too. She describes the next three stages as Chaos, Surrender, and Transcendence. I have already gotten to Acceptance and am curious about what comes next. She got me optimistic and excited about the impending transformation.
In the meantime, I keep working with my Naturopathic doctor who recommended protocols that have continued to slow down the cancer, but not eliminate it. I have done two ablations with an interventional radiologist who is doing experimental work. Their measurement of Circulating Tumor Cells indicates that treatment hasn’t been helpful, so I am discontinuing it.
For months I have been experiencing symptoms of cancer in my lungs and liver. Mostly, I am really tired and can no longer do many of the things I used to enjoy. No Pickle ball, no walks, no travel except for short trips that don’t involve much walking or time sitting. I need to lie down and rest frequently.
I’ve been thinking it might be time for Hospice soon, and am looking forward to it. I don’t see death as a failure, but as the next grand adventure. I’m ready for it.
I had my monthly blood test yesterday, expecting the results to point me to joining hospice. Instead, my cancer marker went down again, my liver functions are normal, and on paper I look like a healthy person (with cancer). In the past, I’ve been happy with these results. Today I felt depressed. I almost feel like I need to apologize to my friends and family for not dying. I have been talking about dying with them for almost two years now. It’s getting old.
On the other hand, since my desire and intention has always been to be an instrument, my belief is that as long as I’m still here, there must be a role for me to play. I don’t know what that role is now, but I’m open, and can only take it one day at a time. For today, my “instructions” were to write this blog.
If I am going to stick around longer in Earth school, I want to have reasons to get out of bed. I want to find a way to re-engage in life enough to make living more desirable than my anticipation of Chaos, Surrender, and Transcendence. I don’t have to give up that anticipation. It will inevitably come. My challenge is to have a meaningful life as long as I am here.
Your life and words are inspirational. Thank you for creating a useful and profound conversation about hospice, living with cancer, palliative care, death and dying–all subjects that so many people do not want to discuss. Although you officially “closed” healing journeys, I believe that it continues through your own healing journey. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, fears and hope. Sending you love and support as you continue to be in the present moment. Blessings always.
Your writing has been helpful as my daughter has been on the same journey for a little longer time and has been protective of me, so hasn’t always shared details. I have a deeper understanding of what she has been going through and I am so grateful.
Jan, you are the most perfect example of “question authority” that I know! What a message that is for the times we are in. Please don’t apologize for getting things in order but being too engaged (or well) to call it quits. I’m reminded of the sketch in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where villagers are throwing bodies on a cart, and one guy says, “I’m not dead yet. I’m feeling better.” They just bopped him on the head to secure him his place on the cart, but I’m sure your dear friends and family wouldn’t do that! Be kind to yourself, visit when you feel like it, immerse yourself in a fanciful book, and rest when that calls to you. Thanks for the Earth School update. The curriculum is pretty darn interesting.
I agree!!!
Dear Jan,
You have had one of the most meaningful lives I’ve known of, benefiting so many, including me. Thank you for this update and for the ref. to the book which I will check out for myself. Bless you on your journey. May your transition be gentle.
Norma Jean
Jan, thank you for continuing to share your journey. Blessings as you travel the ups and downs.
I will never forget our great times in Mexico and at Westerbeke Ranch. Thank you for drawing me to those places for the lessons and the experiences.
All the best. Theresa
I’ve followed your story since my own dx in 2012, like you, continually defying doctor’s predictions. Thank you for all that you’ve done in sharing resources, the webinars, and sharing your story. It has all been such a beacon of hope and help to me and so many others! And now in this stage as we ponder hospice and/or death, thank you again for sharing. Your life and your sharing is still making a difference for all of us who are on the journey. Sending love and light, dear Jan.❤️🙏🙏
Jan, I have enjoyed, am enjoying, having you in my life. We all pass on at some point. Thank you for the update. The end of life is sitting closer to me too…I am pleased you are not suffering through pain. Laura
Dear Jan,
Your message today is so life-giving and poignant. Thank you for using your energy to write this message today…I hope you know how nourishing your gift is. Please continue to share, knowing this is your “call” right now, your reason to get out of bed. Your message resonates so deeply with me…I, too, am on a similar path. You give me strength and comfort, purpose too.
Love & Prayers,
Meg
Dear Jan,
So much gratitude for sharing your experiences with us. If the current “you” were sharing this in a Healing Journeys conference, we would have found your story and experiences to be a great gift!
I want to hear about what it’s like for you to experience this process. I frequently go to your blog to see if you’ve posted again. It is as enriching as the messages that post when “life is vital.”
This is the cycle of life and we want to know and be able to be a part of it. We have been with you over these many years and many landscapes. We love you, and we know you have limited energy, and just want you to be aware that we feel the connection. I remember being moved by an entry from Dr. Jeremy Geffen’s family reflecting on his peaceful passing, describing how he went from one group of loving hands into another. That struck me and I’ve carried it with me…and want you to feel our loving hands around you…holding you while you are here and continuing to be inspired by your spirit, your story and teachings.
As you feel you have strength, please know that we always appreciate your sharing.
With a circle of love and gratitude,
Annie