For 33 years, every time I found out my cancer had progressed, my first reaction has been fear and/or “Oh Shit!” quickly followed by doing research to find the next strategy to hold back the cancer.

Now, for the first time, my latest PET scan shows that cancer is in my liver, in addition to growing in my lungs. Oh Shit! This is serious. I am doing research and found a new practitioner I am going to work with who has had much success with treating cancer patients. I have also started acupuncture and am taking Chinese herbs, in addition to Mistletoe and all the supplements recommended by my Naturopathic doctor.

But this time feels different. I am 80 years old and this time I am questioning the strength of my will to live. These last few years have been tough and there isn’t a lot of light at the end of the tunnel. There is deep division in our country, democracy itself is in danger, global warming is real, it seems like natural disasters are constant, as are mass shootings and wars. And then there is COVID and the fear of COVID which doesn’t seem to be going away. Is it worth the effort to continue living in this world?

What if my time is finished? A therapist suggested I might want to consider the wisdom of my body and seriously ask that question. Maybe my body knows it’s time for me to move on.

Of course I know I’m not in charge. My will to live, no matter how strong, isn’t going to keep me alive. I have known women with young children whose will to live was over the top, and they died. I have also known at least one woman who wanted to die and was angry every morning when she woke up and was still here. She eventually died, but it took a long time. She wasn’t in charge.

I want to be at peace with either outcome – living or dying, knowing that dying is guaranteed at some point. Dying is not a failure. It doesn’t mean I didn’t try hard enough, or wasn’t positive enough. It just means I am going on to the next adventure. I’ve been told that we didn’t want to be born. We were very comfortable in the warm womb, and any other life was an unknown. We didn’t have a choice in that transition either and it turned out OK. I am trusting this next one will also.

One of our past conference speakers, Jeremy Geffen, MD, said the essence of healing is “focused intention wrapped in the arms of surrender.” I think that describes where I am now.

Here’s a quote a friend just sent me, written by Rabindranath Tagore:

“Death is not extinguishing the light
it is only putting out the lamp
because the dawn has come.”