Those of you who read my blog know that my breast cancer, which metastasized to my lungs in 2011, has been progressing in the past few months. In Chinese medicine, grief is related to the lungs. In the eleven years I have been living with cancer in my lungs, I’ve wondered if I have grief stored up in my lungs that needs to be expressed.
When we think about grief, we often think about momentous, heart-breaking losses. We think of it as something unpleasant and uncomfortable to get through.
Sophie Sabbage, in her book The Cancer Whisperer: Finding Courage, Direction, and the Unlikely Gifts of Cancer, showed me a new way of looking at grief. Grief is not about closure, but about connection. She says:
“When we grieve well, it opens rather than closes the heart. This is why it heals. Grief picks you up from the depths of your despair and frees you to move forward again.”
“Grief is a hugely neglected part of the cancer experience, usually held in numb abeyance until the end is nigh.”
She had lung cancer and believed grief was the emotion she had most neglected in her life. As part of her healing process, she asked: “What have I not been grieving and why?”
I’ve been asking myself the same question, not just looking at the big deaths and endings, but also the less obvious hurts, regrets, and disappointments, making lists of past events and experiences that could have been grieved, but felt too inconsequential at the time. There are many.
Sophie says:
“We grieve that which we have loved and do love, so when you feel grief, you feel love. And there is nothing more healing than love. Grief keeps love alive.”
I had a profound experience of this when my cat, Pretzel, recently died. So profound that I wrote a story about Pretzel which you can read here. Pretzel’s loss has given me something concrete and immediate to grieve about and my heart is full of love and gratitude.
Exploring grief has been such a rich experience for me, I am excited to go deeper into its lessons. Mark Nepo has been an insightful teacher for me and I am looking forward to attending his upcoming 3-session webinar in August called Pain, Fear, and Grief: The Deeper Teachers (Aug 7, 14, 21, 2022, 1-2:30PM ET). Click here for more information and registration.
If you are interested in gaining more insight on this subject, I recommend The Cancer Whisperer, by Sophie Sabbage, as well as Mark Nepo’s upcoming webinar. You don’t have to have lung cancer to have unexpressed grief. I think we all have some.
As always, I welcome your comments; to reply please click here.
Hi! I really enjoyed your article, and ordered “The Cancer Whisper”, because I want to delve deeper into grief- when I left my marriage of 30 years I developed skin cancer; when one of my adult children became estranged from his siblings, I developed breast cancer. I want to fully experience my grief, thank you so much. Blessings on your path!
Thank you, Cynthia. Sounds like your body has expressed the grief for you. I think you will get a lot from the book.
Hi Jan, I am so sorry to hear that you are having to consider your lungs as possibly carrying the weight of cancer. I just wanted to share with you or remind you of Frances Weller’s work around grief. He has written a few books, The Wild Edge of Sorrow being one of them. I just love his work and his workshops where he addresses the Five Gates of grief. He also does lots of gatherings and youtubes. I have attended two of his weekend retreats and my my, he is a grief master.
I have retired this year from teaching Psych of Death and Dying and Loss and Grief classes as well as all my counseling years. We shall see what surfaces but grief calls my name. I may work through Bread of Life and do some workshops on art and grief.
I hope you remain well and motivated to keep up your great work.
My husband’s cancer continues to be frightening and yet he always seems to rally. May you also rise up like you do.
Great to hear from you, Joanne. I have just started reading “The Wild Edge of Sorrow”. It’s been on my nightstand for a few months and you reminded me of it. Other friends have attended his workshops and highly recommend his book and his work. Congratulations on your retirement. Something will show up as your next step. The world needs your wisdom, especially around grief. Sorry your husband’s cancer continues to be frightening. Sounds like he’s not finished or he wouldn’t still be here.
Jan, I particularly loved the sharing in this month’s reflection. Such a new twist to such a common feeling: grief! Keep spreading your learning and experience; it is good work and well needed. With love, friendship and support, Carol
As I allow myself/encourage myself to call up, connect with, and feel deeply buried emotions and any grief they desire to express, my life enriches in ever widening circles. At our age Jan, we have a great deal of those pushed-away emotions which at the time was what was modeled for women. Relinquishing those beliefs/stories not only heals us, it heals the planet. Sending love.
Christina,
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It’s true that we were taught to push away our emotions as women, and that we have lots stored up to deal with now. And connecting with and feeling those feelings now does enrich our lives. I appreciate your modeling that.
Jan, I am sorry to learn of Pretzels passing. Reading your warm memories of Pretzel was a glimpse into a precious exchange. Thank you for sharing. Now I get to reflect on the relationship between grief and love. Kindly, Terri
I wasn’t sure what brought me to open this email when my inbox is overflowing. But once I did I understood. My heart is with you. I still grieve for the animals that I lost, especially the cat who brought me through my cancer recovery. I grieve along side you for so many things, including our country. May peace be with you.
Of course you still grieve for the animals you lost, especially the one that accompanied you on such a difficult journey. It’s a bonding experience. As long as we love we will grieve. Thank you for commenting. I join you in grieving for our country.