First on my agenda in writing this blog is to let you know how much I appreciate all the love and comments I received after writing about joining hospice on June 29th. I read every comment and felt your love and appreciation. Thank you to every one of you that took the time to comment, either on the blog, or by messaging me privately. You are again the wind beneath my wings.
The hardest part of being in hospice is very similar to all the years of dealing with cancer – the not knowing. I wish I knew how long this was going to take. And how will I feel as my body continues to decline?
I have a hospice nurse who visits every week, and a hospice social worker who has visited once and now calls me every few weeks on the phone. A hospice doctor visited about a month ago when I finally experienced pain that kept me awake at night. The goal of hospice is to keep me comfortable, so when pain occurs, they don’t ask what is causing it. Their only job is to eliminate it. Most of my life, pain has been an indication that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Once in hospice, the goal of fixing anything has been excluded. They are experts at controlling pain with medication.
We tried morphine, Tylenol, and Aleve without success. Morphine did great for four hours, and the pain would wake me up again. The loopy side effects of morphine were strong enough that caregivers didn’t want me to be home alone. They were afraid I would fall going down my stairs. I wasn’t ready to give up my independence. We tried methadone which takes longer to kick in, but once it does, it is more long lasting. I haven’t experienced the pain since I take .25 ml of liquid methadone under my tongue every night at bedtime. It stays in my system. The side effect of constipation is handled by also taking one Senna at bedtime.
I’m guessing the pain was being caused by the tumors in my lungs and/or liver. My midsection continues to expand and is hard to the touch. I feel full quickly when I eat, and a lot of belching and discomfort occur. Although hospice is good at dealing with pain, they seemingly can’t do anything about discomfort. Lying down and a heating pad help, so I spend a lot of time “resting.”
Since I get tired if I’m standing more than 5 to 10 minutes, I don’t cook anymore except to heat up leftovers. I feel so grateful to have good friends (and a son who lives in Oakland) who shop, cook, and clean for me.
Because of the magic of Zoom and the groups I regularly participate in, I am not experiencing this stage of living/dying as lonely. I am more likely to feel overwhelmed by the number of visitors and Zoom obligations, and feel like I just need some time alone.
My curiosity about what happens to us after we die, and whatever fear I had about that, has been quelled by reading “The Afterlife of Billy Fingers.” It’s a true story of conversations Annie Kagan had with her brother after he died. Reading it stimulated my curiosity even more, and created even more excitement about getting closer to having that experience. He describes his new world as well as he can, while often saying there are no words to describe something. One of the predominant differences between this world and the next is that there is no judgement in the next world. There is nothing there to be anxious or afraid about.
Of course, there is sadness for me in anticipating leaving the familiarity of life on earth. This is the ultimate experience of letting go and it’s useful for me to remember the many opportunities I have already navigated of letting go. Change has been one of the constants in life, and it usually happens with some resistance.
I will continue to post in this blog as long as I can, and I treasure knowing that you are interested, caring, and cheering me on.
Thank you so much for your beautiful email. Your workshops in the past have helped me to navigate my own breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. What a beautiful spirit you have!
Dear Jan, As always your wisdom continues to flow. You are fulfilling your life’s purpose, to be a vessel for love and healing, and I’m grateful to receive these notes. I like what you wrote about “no judgment” in the afterlife. That is a most liberating thought. Having recently lost my beloved daughter to cancer, I often wonder about that and hope for her forgiveness for being an imperfect mother (who isn’t?!?). It makes sense to me that judgment is one of our human frailties that I’d love to see go away forever. I am grateful to have known you, and to still be learning from you, after all these years! I hope that your pain and discomfort continue to be manageable, and that you fly into the light with joy, surrounded by your beloveds!
We love you, Jan. Soooo much healing and love that you offered so many, for so many years.
Thank you so much for continuing your mission by keeping us informed now.
You deserve your rest, accept it with love and grace. And, know it will continue.
Beloved Jan, we are DEFINITELY interested, caring, tears in eyes, cheering you on. -Clove
Thank you for this blog, Jan.
I am thinking that the pain is more associated with the liver tumors. My mother died from lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking. She had no pain until the very end because her cancer metastisized to her brain not to her liver, for which I was grateful. I am glad you are finally able to control the pain.
I am also glad that you have a good group of friends and your son to take care of your household and dietary needs, such as they are. I wonder if I will have that same good fortune. But, I also understand and appreciate that you need your ‘space’ and time alone. I hope you can find it.
I do hope you have a contact list of all of us who don’t see you all the time, so that we will be kept informed when you are no longer able to do it yourself.
Love and a hug (I wish I could take you a big bowl of egg custard!),
Roxana ❤️🌈
Thank you for your post. I have always appreciated your insights and wisdom as well as your questioning mind. May you continue to feel the love and comfort by all the people that surround you near and far. You are a treasure and I send you a gentle virtual hug.
Dear Jan, your selfless work and courage have made so many lives better. May you receive all the love, peace, and blessings you have given others. You are a gift.
Jan,
The wisdom you share on this journey you are taking inspires us all. Linda and I are followers of Abraham/Hicks and when Jerry passed, Ester is still communicating with him. I just finished reading Tuesdays with Morrey and that story along with your blog has been a great help in preparing for the time when I will be leaving this earthly plane. As Michael Moran would always say you “You are loved beyond measure”.
Dear Jan,
I am definitely interested, caring, and cheering you on.
I am taking notes about the methadone and the limits of hospice’s expertise in patient care.
I hope I won’t need these notes – for me or anyone else – for a long time. But as you said, the only permanent condition is that change is ever-present. The only certainty is that each of us will pass on, but when?
I have known you through your work for over 25 years, and am so glad to have known you through Thriving Pink.
I am mostly deciding to have great days, and occasionally that takes some convincing.
I am sending you light and love, imagining you in this beautiful light on an August afternoon.
I am filled with gratitude for your sharing.
Many, many blessings,
Seanain
Thank you for sharing this Jan. I am glad you have found a way to keep the pain down. You have been such a light and you continue to shine light on paths that we are sure to trek.
Warmest regards,
Karen Newcomb
Dear dear Jan, How wonderful, marvelous to hear from you. I think about you often, and I am glad to hear that you have all the visitors you have capacity for. And I can imagine that you are finding ways to get your alone time. I also treasure every detail you wrote as I’ve not known anyone on hospice that I was close enough to … to ask questions. So, again and again and again into eternity you are taking us with you so that our own journeys might be less daunting than if we didn’t know anything of the journey. It brings tears as I repeat “Thank you thank you thank you” for being all you are with the most generosity imageable. Much love, Dee
Hi Jan, from beautiful Minnesota, where it is currently cool and comfortable, even a little fall-like. I had the opportunity to safari in Kenya in June, and was so inspired by seeing so many magnificent animals in their natural habitat. I fell at the beginning of my trip – at the Nairobi airport – and had to learn a little about the Kenyan health care system! They palpated my arm and said it was fine. I returned home 12 days later and an orthopedist said, “Broken, but already healing.” It HAS healed, on it’s own, and I am still processing all I saw and experienced in Kenya. While you are breaking in a different way, you, too, are healing into what’s next. I have sought out and heard so many NDE’s and everyone says it is beyond their ability to speak about it or imagine. If you feel like reading, I found Eben Alexander’s book “Proof of Heaven” to be a powerful story of a non-believer’s experience. I think of you often with gratitude for all the gifts you have given to vulnerable people. What a legacy.
You are such a gift, Jan. Your writing is beautiful and your insight is enlightening.
Please keep me on the email list. You are a true inspiration. My husband and I attended your workshop 15 years ago and you helped get thru my treatments.
Today my brother is in hospice and it was helpful to read this post.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Forever appreciative of the work you’ve done for me and others ,
Brenda
Jan, you are such an inspiration. Despite all that you are experiencing you still find the energy to tap into your wisdom and your loving spirit to share your life with all of us.
Like you, I am also curious about what awaits all of us on the other side.
May your pain subside and may you continue to grace us, for as long as you can, with your words.
With love & peace, Olga
Celebrating you and your consciousness process! Billy Fingers does a great job of bringing awareness to this transition process. Smiles…Cristina Whitehawk
Thank you, Jan for selflessly continuing to share. Details are helpful, so thank you for your candidness.
Well, Jan, what a journey. I am super grateful that I was able to attend a Healing Journeys conference years ago, and that I am still here. I am sad to lose you, and understand that aspect, sadness, of letting go. And yet, I also understand that this is also part of the journey. You are still teaching us through your sharing. And I am beyond grateful for your openness and sincerity. I think of you always, and though I am not part of your inner circle, you, in a way, are part of mine, and always will be. And I thank you for this, and for your dedication to helping those of us whose lives have been touched by this confounding (nice word for shitty) disease. I do love you, and what you have done for us is nothing short of truly amazing. May I follow in your example and find leaving this earth a journey of curiosity and wonder.
Jan, I am so glad I am still on your mailing list so I can know what you are experiencing now. I am wondering how this process is different from the years of finding ways to push the cancer back. It would seem to be a turn. I am admiring of your continuing to be curious while at the same time learning how to get the comfort you need now. That you continue to share your experience as you always have is such a gift. I enjoyed so much reading your book and sharing it. To think how far back we go…having Easter brunches at Jane Goraj’s house in the 70’s! Sending love and light. Pat Hukill
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying i will try again tomorrow.
You will always see that “hero” in you♥️
Jan, I just put The Afterlife of Billy Fingers on hold at the library. Thanks for the recommendation. Another interesting book is Journey of Souls: Case Studies of Life Between Lives. In addition to no judgment in the afterlife, I’ve heard that people experience great joy there. That was my experience of my mother after she died, even though she was very depressed most of her earthly adult life. I continue to send blue healing light to you and your cloud. And I continue to appreciate you sharing this part of your journey with us, just as you shared earlier parts. Big, gentle hugs to you and your support team.
Thank you for your beautiful sharing of your process. I think of you so often and our healing journeys in Greenville. Robin will be waiting to see you. Sending love.
Jan, thank you for all you have done to encourage and inspire others. I’m not familiar with the book you mentioned, but one I read that I found very helpful was ”Imagine Heaven”, by John Burke. In it, he examines the near death experiences of many people. Heaven sounds like a glorious place, and I look forward to being there. But not just yet! Blessings on your journey.
Dear Jan,
I wish you peace and comfort on your journey. Through your work you have provided many of us with this. Thank you!
Your community is holding you up, and curious, as you are, as to what is next.
My love to you.
Dear Jan
I have always appreciated your candor and determination. Wishing you much comfort and peace ~ here, there, wherever your journey leads you.
Dear Jan,
I had the pleasure of attending one of the all day sessions Healing Journeys sponsored with my good friend, April. She passed on on July 16, 2019. I know she gained much knowledge, comfort and camaraderie from that session. Thank you so much for your hard work and wonderful heart. You provided a safe haven for those with cancer and their support family to hear encouraging stories and gain hope that their life can be great for as long as they are alive. They don’t have to live in fear and loneliness.
I pray that you will find your answer soon to the question about how long it will be before you cross over. I know you will go to an indescribable place; one that is well deserved.
I love you and pray for you.
Dearest Jan. Thank you. Just thank you. I have followed you since I attended your “Surviving to Thriving” weekend workshop years back here in Sacramento. I rejoiced in the camaraderie and life affirming expressions of that full experience. I am now a six-time cancer warrior, six different primary cancers, most currently in my 3rd year of active treatment for AML, Acute Myeloid Leukemia, with cyclical chemotherapy and daily targeted therapy. I was initially told I had only weeks left to live; I am currently “in remission” as we continue to keep it at bay, but this is as good as it gets. But it is a constant, relentless, ever-present part of my life, requiring considerations, adjustments, adaptations. Change is a given. ~ I, too, loved reading “The Afterlife of Billy Fingers”. Another book I loved is “Annie Freeman’s Fabulous Traveling Funeral”, not a ” spiritual/afterlife” book, but it just made me laugh. My humor is deeper now, sometimes darker, but feels so good. ~ I have been feeling drawn to deeper conversations, “real” conversations about the transitions of dying. I appreciate your openness and generosity of spirit to share yourself on this most precious and personal level. I send you heartfelt love and gratitude, and wishes for God Speed. I wish you peace and comfort while still earthbound, and I wish you utmost joy and freedom in your soul travels. Much Love.
Thank you Jan for all the help I received from you as I went thru breast cancer. I pray for continued comfort and that God will be with you as you pass on to a beautiful heaven
Thank you Jan for all your many years of sharing your story and organizing the conferences. I attended about 6, in Palo Alto, Oakland and Seattle, and took friends with me. I tell people the best conferences ever been to, heart-centered and personal, amazing feeling. Ive also shared the tapes with friends, and probably have 2 dozen books purchased at the conferences.
I hope this next part of your journey is exactly what you need to leave with an open heart and anticipation of the next level of learning.
Much love, Lynn Garrett
You just keep on being Jan! In the best sense of the word! Thank you being such a fabulous guide to so many people about the process and advent of dying. Your thoughts, words, and actions have helped so many people! It is lovely to think of us all gathered around you in support of these final steps. Thanks, Jan! Charlotte
Dear Jan,
I’d like you to know that I sent you a card in the mail, postmarked on the 15 August, 2025 that was returned to me. I used the PO box 221417, Sacr. that you used to use, so i am glad that we do have another way to reach you now. So many blessings I send your way! I am also glad that are not in pain any longer with appropriate medication. Your amazing love and inspiring others to heal will be with me and many of us forever… Sending you all the best wishes on this next stage of your journey…Playing MUSIC for you as well!
Dear Jan,
You continue to be an inspiration to me. I truly appreciate your words and the courage you’ve displayed in expressing them.
One thing I know is that part of what will carry on after this life is the imprint of the energy of your being that is passed on to others. Please be assured, I will be one who will carry that with me for as long as I live….and beyond.
Always,
Michael Finkelstein
Dearest Jan,
Thank you so much for sharing so openly and beautifully.
I read the afterlife of Billy fingers too, and it was a spiritual experience for me.
It had prompted me to do more to develop my intuitive and and empathic abilities. I’m going to do a medicine journey in a couple of weeks. I got the hit that it would help me Develop my latent abilities. Perhaps paving the way for conversations between us when you get to the other side. I would love that!
I continue to be amazed by the radiant being that you are and know there is so much more than we can perceive here in this physical duality.
Love, always, Christine
Thank you dear Jan for all that you are sharing with us. You are in my heart and I send you much love ❤️
Susanne
Bless you, Jan. You have always been a pillar of strength. You have always been kind and gentle with me. May your upcoming journey be comfortable for you. And exciting to know what is next.
Thank you for sharing this. Somehow your thoughts are bringing me comfort with regards to my mother’s death.
Love to you
My dear friend, thank you for continuing to find meaning and purpose in life each and every day that you are living it. Your words mean so much to all of us. Your love and wisdom floods, my heart. With the deepest gratitude—
Thank you, Jan for continuing to share your journey. I am loving your blogs and my learning continues. Each one is a gift. My prayers continue daily and happy your pain is being managed better. The “winds of change” are blowing tonight were the words I heard in silent contemplation.
Sweet Jan,
Thank you for so beautifully sharing your life’s journey with us. You are an inspiration and I’m honored to know you as a very special friend.
I just purchased “The Afterlife of Billy Fingers” upon Kerry’s recommendation and I’m looking forward to reading it. I have communicated with Keith since his passing and I would love to share his messages with you. Please let me know when you feel up to a visit.
Wishing you much comfort and peace.
Much Love, Pat
You continue to be an inspiration as you continue this incredible journey. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Dear Jan,
Greetings. Or, as Lupita McClanahan would surely say and write to you,
Ya’ahateeh!
That is to say, ‘warm greetings to you my friend.’
I am only now reading this from you, that you have entered in to hospice care. Before I say anything, I want to “mirror” back to you something in your letter:
“My curiosity about what happens to us after we die, and whatever fear I had about that, has been quelled by reading “The Afterlife of Billy Fingers.” It’s a true story of conversations Annie Kagan had with her brother after he died. Reading it stimulated my curiosity even more, and created even more excitement about getting closer to having that experience.”
This is causing me to think deeply about what I might say. Our deepest connection is through our mutual commitment to offering a healing place for many others to be in, to express themselves in and to meet others who are flourishing and healing in that way. You are so steadfast and I bow to you and to that steadfastness.
I had the special blessing that you once came to The Nature of Poetry at Canyon de Chelly. There, y ou met Lupita, our dear Diné guide at that sacred place. That is why I included her greeting at the start of this letter.
Some time ago you invited my dear friend Amy Webb to speak to Healing Journey’s about her life, cancer and book, Stones at the Crossing: Aiming True on my Journey from Scared to Sacred.
Sounds to me like you have aimed plenty true — into the Sacred.
Next time I speak with Amy, I will bring this up with her.
When I was sitting on the bed next to my mother, Eleanor, at Keithley Hospice in Cleveland OH, and she was dying, she said to me and a much younger friend of hers, “I want you to know that I welcome this.”
I leaned next to her face and said “I think you are going to be welcomed.” That was quite a moment. She died 3 days later.
All this said, I also, from my more human heart, not necessarily scared heart, but certainly struggling to understand at times heart, I admire you for how you are journeying at this essential time — AND that I hear you about being in pain. I am sorry for that. I hope that is more and more ameliorated.
While writing this letter I have thought of two poems that might speak to you … dunno … but they could! If I can have an email address or a USPS address I can send them. You have my email.
May the Afterlife of Billy Fingers…with Annie Kagan and her brother, put some helpful wind into your sturdy sails.
Kindness,
John Fox
Dear Jan-
Thank you so much for sharing your experience & thoughts so honestly. You are a remarkable person with so much to give us all.
Please know that you are in my thoughts every day, sending strength & love.
I will always remember you & all you have done for so many of us.
Hugs, Pat
Dear Jan, As you continue to share your wisdom with us, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the gift that you are, and have been, to so many. From my first Healing Journeys experience as a middle-aged breast cancer survivor til now, when I am 83, you have been a beacon of hope and an example of a life well lived.
My Dear Friend, Jan…I’ve been out of touch with you for so long. I came across your blog by chance & I’m so glad I did.
I learned more from you than you’ll ever know. I’m grateful for your love & support through our cancer group, your Turning Point presentations, & many of our private conversations.
I thank you Jan. I love you. I will continue to pray for you as you lead the way on this spiritually healing journey.
His Grace & Peace,
Suzanne Smoley
Jan, I love you. You touched my soul and saved my life when I had bc in 2000. You gave me confidence to listen to my inner voice and live in my heart. I am adding my love and light to the brilliant light surrounding you.
When Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross came to visit patients in the hospice I worked for and give a presentation to the community, she couldn’t overemphasize how important it was for healthcare professionals to learn from their patients who are dying. She urged one of our patients, a teacher and school principal, to “instruct” us on what It’s like to be dying, and how we can best be with people who are dying. This person did this, and I have a mental notebook of not only hers but the other lessons I have learned from being with those nearing the end of life. And, now Jan, you are one of my teachers. I will take your lessons forward…..maybe that’s part of eternal life.
Jan, thank you for sharing your energy and insight. May you continue to feel the peace and love that surrounds you. I wish I lived closer. Big hug!
Blessings Dear Jan. I have attended 6-8 of your Healing Journey Conferences in Sacramento & once in Hayward. I found the conferences to be so encouraging, uplifting & right on! It was not a sad place to be at, but a day of hope & suggestions of how to manage our cancers. I enjoyed the speakers, singers & YOU! I love your honesty in sharing what you are going thru & the thrust into dealing with life with joy & hope each day. As you look over your life & its value, may you smile & know that many people have learned about cancer & dealing with it each day, thanks to YOU. My prayer for you is to know that your life was a wonderful blessing to so many of us cancer sisters & brothers. May the gift you gave to us, be a blessing to you, as you walk thru the end chapters of your life. God has promised to be with you as you walk thru this journey we call life. May you feel our love & prayers for peace & comfort as you rest in Gods arms when the time comes.
Dear Jan,
Each blog you share is such a gift! Of course we are interested, caring and cheering you on! I encourage you to be frank and honest when you need some quiet time to rest. I’m sure you know we’d all love a chance to be in your presence again but we respect your need for introspection and reflection as you adapt to each new phase of “the ultimate letting go experience” we all face in dying. We are there in spirit!
I’ve had several spiritual experiences surrounding death and even felt “visits” in dreams from my older brothers and friends who have passed. I requested and just got Annie Kagan’s book and am anxious to read it. I too enjoyed Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander because he was a non believer Neurosurgeon and his own personal experience changed his scientific mind in a compelling way. Thank you for your eloquent words of wisdom and honesty. Praying for your peace and comfort, with your most beloved ones at your side.
Love, JoAnn Ronning
Thank you Jan for sharing this part of your journey with us. It’s raw, brave, and such an honest account of your daily experiences, reflections, gratitudes, and ponderings. We will all go through this stage ourselves at one point and time and to have you share your experience, as you have your long time journey with cancer, gives us all time to reflect as well and to cheer you on in comments and in ways that let you know you touched so many more than those in your immediate and inner circle of friends and family. Much Love & Light to you dear one! Elaine Laroa