A friend recently informed me that Tara Brach (a prominent meditation teacher) had quoted me in a podcast. Eager to find out what I had said that was worth quoting, I listened to the podcast.

The podcast was called “Shifting from Limbic to Liberating Intention.” She talked about how important it is to know what really matters in our lives and what our deepest intentions are. She said in our day-to-day lives, we often lose track of our deepest intentions and get caught up with intentions that don’t matter at the deepest level.

Here is the story I wrote in 2010 that Tara shared in this podcast:

“Following my ocular melanoma in 2006, I had an annual Chest X-ray to see if melanoma has metastasized to my lungs. After my chest X-ray in 2010, when I had a call from my doctor the next day, I knew it wasn’t good news. There was a nodule on my lung and he wanted me to have a CT scan. I got the scan done on a Wednesday and the technician said my doctor would have the results the next morning.

 

I was impressed with how quickly my anxiety level went over-the-top. On Thursday, I couldn’t concentrate and I felt like crying all day. I kept thinking about what I would do if I found out I had metastatic cancer. It would mean that all the diet, exercise, and lifestyle changes I did hadn’t made a difference. I might as well go back to enjoying Root Beer Floats. I felt angry, disappointed, and like I just didn’t have any energy left to fight cancer anymore. I called my doctor’s office twice and was promised he would call me before the end of the day. He didn’t.

 

Then something happened Thursday night as I read and meditated. I remembered that my prayer is to “make me an instrument” and to “use me.” What if my having metastatic cancer was the way I could be most useful – as an inspiration to others somehow?

 

It’s more important to me that my life be meaningful, rather than easy. I don’t want to judge any experience as bad or good, but accept whatever washes up on my beach as part of the package. I believe that “all things work together for good.” That was on a plaque in my parents’ home as I was growing up and it has always brought me comfort. Thinking about that, I became peaceful and calm, and I had a restful night’s sleep.

 

On Friday I called my doctor’s office again and was told he had left for a 2-week vacation. How could he have abandoned me like that? I asked if they had the results of my CT scan and they did. I asked to please have the on-call doctor call me and give me the results. By 6 p.m., I hadn’t received a phone call and I was surprised that I was hardly thinking about it anymore. I was feeling OK with whatever would be. No more anxiety. I could have a good weekend without knowing the results.

 

At 8:30 p.m., I noticed there was a message on my cell phone. It had been with me all day and I hadn’t heard it ring and hadn’t seen that the message was there. It was from the on-call doctor. She said she compared my CT scan with a 2007 scan. The nodule was there in 2007 and it hadn’t changed. She said it was nothing to worry about because it was stable. I didn’t even know it had been detected before. Maybe all my efforts were making a difference. Hurray! I emailed all my friends who had been praying for me, and I celebrated. Even though I was OK with whatever happened, it was still my preference to be healthy.

 

I am glad I didn’t get the results right away because it gave me the opportunity to get in touch with my inner strength and my inner knowing that I would be OK no matter what. I’m not just a body. Someday I know this body won’t go on, and I will still be OK. I like being reminded of that periodically.”

Tara used this story as an example of getting in touch with my deepest intention, which is to be an instrument. My intention is that my life serve something larger than myself. She also talked about how this created a sense of belonging for me. She said that belonging to something larger than ourselves is what carries us through this living-dying world. Whatever happens in my life is an essential part of this larger world to which I belong.
I think this is the key to my being mostly calm and accepting during my 32 years of living with cancer. I know that whatever happens in my life is necessary for manifesting the fullness of who I have come here to be. From my limited human perspective, I can’t understand the “bad” things that happen to me, but I trust that my life experiences will support and enhance my deepest intention to be an instrument.