I’m not “throwing in the towel” or “giving up.” Those phrases carry a negative connotation, as if death is something we must avoid at all costs. But death is a natural, inevitable part of life. I’ve been reading extensively about death and dying, and it’s become clear that death can be a profound experience—one I want to embrace. I’m genuinely excited about moving on to my next adventure. My body has clearly let me know it’s tired and ready to retire from its job of housing my spirit.
In July of 2023, my oncologist told me she was ready to refer me to hospice, anticipating I would pass within six months—the qualification for acceptance. Hospice’s role is to ensure comfort once treatment stops. Hospice nurses, social workers, and home health aides visit as often as needed. It’s recommended to begin hospice care earlier, to truly get to know a patient before the very last stage of life. Most people start too late. But two years ago, I didn’t feel ready, and it didn’t feel right for me.
My naturopathic doctor, however, found a protocol that has kept me surviving and thriving for almost two years. I’ve been taking Estradiol, alternating with an Aromatase Inhibitor. My cancer was estrogen receptor positive, meaning it feeds on estrogen, so prescribing Estradiol seemed counter-intuitive. Yet, my oncologist was willing to support this protocol because a scientific study provided the justification she needed for the treatment.
We frequently monitored my cancer markers through blood tests, using the results to determine when to switch back and forth between Estradiol and Aromatase Inhibitors. My CA27.29 numbers consistently decreased when I was on Estradiol. When the cancer markers rose, we would switch, and the numbers would climb with Femara, Arimidex, or Tamoxifen (we tried all three with similar results). When the cancer marker reached as high as we were willing to risk, we switched back to Estradiol. The theory was to ‘confuse’ the cancer, slowing its progression. It worked for almost two years.
I knew that when the numbers continued to rise, even with Estradiol, it would mean the protocol was no longer working. That happened about two weeks ago.
Any other available treatment would significantly diminish my quality of life. In our death-phobic North American culture, extending life as long as possible is often the default choice. However, I’m more interested in quality over quantity. My body has been signaling its readiness: through continued weight loss, discomfort from tumors in my liver and lungs, and increasing extreme tiredness.
I officially enrolled in hospice on June 29th, 2025, and it feels like a refreshing relief to shift my focus. I’m no longer taking any supplements to “fight” cancer. I’m eating hamburgers, French fries, and milkshakes without guilt. I’m feeling the immense love from my family and friends and allowing them to help me. This feels like a very special and unique time of life, and I want to experience it to the fullest, even though it isn’t always comfortable. So far, I’m not in any pain, and I trust the hospice staff to manage it when it happens.
Years ago, I visited Elizabeth Stock-Gonzales when she was on her deathbed. She had brain cancer and three small children. I told her I was praying for her and asked what she wanted me to pray for. She thought about it and said she wanted me to pray she would die in such a way that her children would not be afraid of death.
I’ve been thinking about what my purpose is now. Perhaps I can die in such a way as to lessen someone else’s fear of death. Or, maybe, by openly discussing the dying process and death, I can have an impact on the death-phobic culture we are immersed in.
I don’t have complete clarity about why I am still here, but my prayer, as always, is: “Make me an instrument.”
Jan you continue to inspire me to look at life’s challenges in a new way. May you rest comfortably as you ready yourself for your next chapter. Much love ❤️
Linda Kingsley
Jan, you are awesome! Knowing you from your days in Santa Cruz and the first Cancer as a Turning Point gathering, through 30 years of sharing and lovingly living, may whole heart embraces you. Love has guided you all the way and will bring you home. With prayer and love, Michaela
Thank you for being a voice we all needed to hear to help us understand our purpose in our own medical diagnosis. Thank you for providing us with the emotional tools to take an active and positive approach to managing ourselves. Thank you for empowering us to find the strength with our own challenges and to help others. Still thriving. Much respect and admiration Cynthia Oliver
Jan,
You have been an inspiration to me, the SLC family and all those who have learned about healing and life through your Healing Journeys program. I just finished reading the book Tuesdays with Morrie and you share so much of your wisdom of your journey and how you want to be remembered. In your next adventure you will be so much more powerful to provide all of us inspiration and comfort with the challenges we are now facing in these times. Buen viaje.
I admire your strength and perspective. You and Healing Journeys have been a role model. May the road ahead continue to be blessed.
Beautiful.
Jan, I am so grateful to have met you about 15 years ago, and especially to have spent time with you in 2012 at the Healing Journeys retreat in Mexico. I admire the way you have embraced Life with courage. And now I appreciate your sharing this chapter of your journey with an open heart, allowing family and friends to walk with you. Like Ram Das said, we are all just walking each other home. Love and many blessings, Dawn
Jan, as an end of life doula and Hospice volunteer, I am happy that you are approaching dying in a healthy way. I wish you peace and happiness.
I love you, Jan. I wish so very much that I could visit with you one more time in person. That said, I look forward to reading whatever you have the energy to share. Maybe we can still speak by phone.
You have been a real inspiration to me as I navigate my own health. What has been particularly valuable to me is how we have been on the same page about so much of our life/end-of-life views. I will definitely miss you after your transition, but I will carry you and your memory with me until my own time comes.
I am with you in spirit always.
Jan, you have led a remarkable life and have been an inspiration to me, and no doubt thousands of others. I went to a HJ weekend 15 years ago in Sacramento and was blown away by the people I met and the speakers I heard. All of them gave me hope that my Breast Cancer was not a death sentence and luckily I’m doing great at 66. This post is amazing, actually refreshing. Thank you for your candor and open heart to share what is real for you. You have been an instrument for education and support to many of us. Good luck with your transition, I have high hopes that our soul’s evolution is “the healing we took birth for” (a Stephen Levine quote).
Jan, you are an instrument of love and I thank you for graciously sharing your talents and gifts.
Jan – Thank-You for being a Guiding Light for so many in so many ways – thru both surviving and thriving with cancer to your transitioning from the physical dimension – with the beautiful intention to continue to be a teacher and inspiration for others on this Life and Earth Journey. I thank-you from the depths of my heart for the many beautiful memories and huge impact on so many with the Healing Journeys conferences over the last 30 years! You have touched and transformed thousands of lives over those 30 years. I send prayers and Blessings as your Soul readies to return to the Divine Light and Pure Love of Being and Consciousness. And your next beautiful chapter! Blessings!
Jan,
You inspired me and brought me back from despair 20+ years ago when I was diagnosed with “terminal” prostrate cancer. I thank you so much for this influence and positivity in my life.
God be with you whoever that Divine Being is. Have safe travels going forward!
Jan, I met you in September 2001, just 2 months post radiation treatment. I was so lost about what to do now that I was no longer fighting. . . I had asked my oncologist “What do I do now?” To which he said “Go live your life!” I had no idea what that meant. I was scared. I was very much ‘the deer in headlights’! I will always cherish the 3 days spent with Healing Journeys in Davis, CA. I danced, beat the drums, met so many wonderful people and heard their stories. I then realized that I wasn’t alone and that there is hope to move forward, and I met Dr Ernie Bodai, whom I later worked with at Kaiser. Even he remembered me from your conference!
I gained the courage to open my heart as well as my eyes to opportunities and followed. I have been a working actor now for 22 years as a ‘Standardized Patient’ with medical schools and healthcare institutions, using my acting and communications education to teach empathy, communications skills, and the importance of creating listening between patients and their healthcare providers.
Thank you for sharing your story and creating a community of people supporting one another and thriving.
You are so brave, smart, insightful, delightful, dedicated, persistent, humorous, caring . .and, the list goes on.
Thank you for sharing yet another very personal part of your life! I will continue to follow your blog and keep communications ongoing.
Dear Jan,
You have surely allowed yourself to “be made the instrument”, as Francis prayed! God bless you and hold you close on the final stage of your journey. You have been a blessing to thousands over 30 yr. Now let us lift you up in our hearts and prayers.
May you be comfortable and at peace.
Blessings.
Jan, I can’t help smiling when I think of you, even as my eyes fill. Such rich, beautiful music you have made, with your instrument.
Jan, You have been an inspiration to me. Reading and following Healing Journeys for years helped me talk openly about my cancer experience. I was diagnosed age 22 with malignant melanoma Clark level 4. No treatment back then except surgical removal of tumor and lymph nodes. I beat the odds and I’m still here at age 72. As you know the ups and downs with cancer: scans, lab tests, questionable small growths that ” we will watch”, all the unknowns, scary. But you made a difference for me, just talking about cancer and sharing experiences and your caring heart helped me over the years. Meeting and talking with people who were cancer survivors made all the difference to me. This was possible all because of you. Sharing your feelings and experience with the dying process is commendable. You are My Cancer Hero. Thank You for giving so much to others. God Bless You.
Jan: I remember the first time I went to a Healing Journey conference I was so struck by your openness, warmth and willingness to share your journey. The efforts you made to bring people together to learn about cancer, how we could thrive and how we were not alone. I will always be indebted to you. Know that you made a difference, for the thousands who attend your conferences, who read your newsletters and who were able to travel with you (going to Mexico and meeting Jonathan Ellerby was a trip I will never forget).
I recently read a book by Julie Mcfadden titled “Nothing to Fear” who shared her knowledge and experience as a nurse working in ICU and switching to hospice care. So much of what she writes about is how you are approaching your journey. Blessing to you dear Jan and peace be with you…
Thank you very much!
You ARE AMAZING!!!!!
Sending you a big hug!
Jan, you will continue to be a light in this life even after you have transitioned to the next adventure. I smile at my memories of our time in person at Indralaya. I am glad to know you in this life, and hope to reconnect with you in the next one.
Dear Jan,
Once again you are a light shining into the sometimes scary dark places. Thank you for letting us know what’s possible in living and dying. Oh how I will miss you being physically present…..I am not being trite in saying your spirit is with me, especially when I think my hope is gone.
Jan, you continue to inspire as you move onward in your journey so beautifully. I will always cherish our friendship and many memories we share. You are and will always remain in my heart.
Much love!
Pat
Jan, your footprint on this Earth is nothing short of a magnificent Hero’s Journey. Full of dedication, intuition and amazing miracles. Thank you for playing every instrument in your orchestra!!!
💜💜💜Beautiful! I’m blessed beyond to have a frontrow seat. 🙏🙏🙏
I was introduced to Healing Journeys by a friend who had breast and, later, anal cancer. When I was diagnosed with oral cancer your words took on a new meaning. For over fifteen years you have been a beacon to me and others who are on this journey or have a loved one who is.
My husband does not have cancer but he has congestive heart failure and had a near death experience five years ago. From what he experienced and from what I’ve learned since then I know that death is nothing to fear. I suspect that in some fashion you will continue to be a beacon for us even after transition. May your remaining time in this incarnation be filled with love, joy, and peace. Blessings to you!
Thank you for being an amazing instrument. May you continue to be peaceful and at ease as you enjoy those burgers and fries – and anything else you want – donuts maybe? May you find happiness in looking at who you have been and all you have done in this life. Peace and Love.
Dearest Jan, I have cried my way through the love in all these comments, and now I am wondering if you are celebrating that your vision from 30+ years ago has been lived by so many many people. Probably a thousand for everyone who writes here. You have lead the way in recasting the weight of diagnoses, lifting the burden of following lonely medical encounters, and now, beyond even that.”Comment” is a funny word to carry the profound and deep awe and wonder that has awakened in us and shared here. Your generosity, radical “no withholding” path you have so exuberantly offered with brave unwavering transparency. Thank you for it all, and for the time ahead and beyond that. It has been richly rewarding for me to know you. Love, Dee
Jan,
Thank you for being so open and honest, for sharing your journey and letting us into the mystery that is life and death. I admire your grace and your curiosity. You inspire me and I am honored to call you a friend. Please know that there are so many of us walking beside you with great love!
Thank you for sharing this beautiful article and your story. ❤️
Thank you Jan for the eloquent update. You found a clever treatment to slow down the cancer growth. I have fond memories of sharing time with you at Indralaya. I will be sending you the energies of peace and comfort. Thank you for sharing your journeys…Laura
Thanks for letting us join you on your brave journey. Blessings!
Jan, thank you for sharing your wise and inspiring insights with us, as well as your amazing life. I’m so joyful for our times together at Indralaya. Love and light and gratitude. 💕💙💚
Jan, So glad to hear you’re at this point of joy. What a great pattern for other people to see! It also helps me to know how to pray / chant in support.
Jan
I really only knew you from hearing Susan and Monica talk about you, but your journey has affected my journey and I will remember you.
Love and blessings
Jan–You have always been one of my favorite and most inspiring people. You have led such an incredible life and been such a guiding light for thousands and thousands over the years. Your journey has been incredible to witness and you teach us again and again that our path is our own. I am honored to know you, to have been part of your organization at times, to have directly seen your impact on humanity, and to know that your legacy goes on with or without your meat suit walking around:) I trust you will die as you have lived—present, passionate, and full of awe. You are an amazing human. Thank you for showing us how to truly thrive and how to launch with grace and gratitude into the next big adventure. Love you! -Nasha
You truly are an inspiration Jan. Thank you for sharing😍 Big hugs.
Jan, your strength and grace over all these years have been extraordinary. I’m holding you in my heart and am so deeply moved by the way you’ve lived and continue to live with such intention courage and love.
Jan—you’ve been an amazing advocate, and inspiration to all who have been blessed to know you. I send you my heartfelt gratitude for the gifts you’ve given, and my prayers to you and your loved ones as you continue your journey. Much love💕
Jan, thank you for sharing your wisdom, love, resources and friendship throughout your life and journey, connecting and building friendships and communities. You have touched and made a positive difference in the lives of thousands. I will always treasure our time together, especially our healing journeys in Mexico. Thank you for sharing your transition perspective and journey home with us, a generous gift. We surround you with love and prayers, in deep gratitude for you and all you have given.
Jan, I will always remember our time at the various Board Meetings. Your infectious energy; commitment to making the best experience for the cancer individuals; and your vision for what was possible. I have taken these with me in all that I do in the Cancer space. I am especially touched by your continued desire to be the role model of how things can be done: leaving this planet in a graceful and loving way. Thank you for being your beautiful self.
Jan,
I hope you find this journey to be fantastic.
Dearest Jan,
You were a great guide for all of us on this journey. Meeting you at Bastyr in Kenmoor, WA with Rebecca Katz and Jeanne Wallace gave me so much knowledge and courage.
Sending all the love and peace I can and surrounding you with the light you have given us all.
Jan, you are an amazingly strong and gracious light in this world. Although you will have many who are sad to bid you farewell, in body, I believe your light will remain and guide us forward. When that time comes, may you be surrounded by all the souls, living and beyond the veil, who have inspired, supported and loved you.
Jan,
I’m so grateful for you and all the ways you inspire me. You have been a beautiful example of living a life of love, light and openness. I’m grateful for you sharing your life’s journey and now your experience as you embrace the ending. You are so courageous. Holding you in love, tenderness and a peace that passes all understanding. Love and Blessings to you my good friend.
Dear Jan,
I was sad to hear this most recent news, but obviously I support you in moving forward with what makes the most sense for you in your body. I feel badly that i did not get my check to you for your book, but I definitely will do my best to send it soon. You are one of the most delightful people i have ever met, and have enjoyed the conferences, playing the piano during lunch at least a couple of times, and enjoyed meeting some of the presenters you introduced to us, especially Rachel Remen. Also, I was delighted to hear your own stories of healing, both at a conference, and i believe on YouTube as well. I have always appreciated your sharing in addition to your emceeing the conferences. I began to go in Santa Cruz and Oakland, i believe, so quite a while back. I send you lots of LOVE, healing into your next transition, blessed with all the love of your friends and associates from Healing Journeys. We have all been enriched by your gifts of caring and love for all of us…Many blessings from mark beau beckham-shirey
Dear Jan,
God has answered your prayer because you truly are an instrument of knowledge, courage, and peace that passes all understanding for all who know you! I’m so grateful to know you and pray for a beautiful transition experience for you when your body lets go. Thank you for all your personal sharing along the way, teaching us by example. You are so beloved and special, surely we will cross paths again in the sweet beyond, I choose to believe. You are a blessing to others….may God Bless you now and give you comfort and peace. All things work for good…Romans 8:28, a favorite verse you and I have shared.
With greatest respect and appreciation, JoAnn Ronning
Jan – thank you for this inspiring essay and how you have always been an inspiration to me and for so many. I consider it quite an honor to have been part of your conferences and bring my music to your groups and to work with you. I am sad to hear this news and yet your attitude is so refreshing that I will be praying for this next stage to be exactly what you are wanting to create – one of love and peace and connection. I have been touched by knowing you and sending you lots of love and grace…..
Thank you, Jan, for all the gifts you have given us. May your journey continue to an enlightened future, under your control and guidance.
W will never forget you.
Dearest Jan, know that we are all formed in a circle of love around you at every step through this next experience. And each of us in our own ways will continue to carry your deep wisdom and teachings forward into the world; you will continue to ripple out forever!
When it is my time to experience the dying process I will read and re-read your messages, especially this latest one! I am awestruck with the power of this continued guidance you have shared with us…giving us encouragement to embrace this great transition…not to view it as if we are somehow “giving up.” What a gift! We love you and are overflowing with gratitude for sharing this life journey with you. Know you are surrounded with our love every moment ❤️
Annie Rosenberg (and my mom Jean)
Jan – my mother-in-law was trying to call you. She thought you had emailed her but it might’ve been this blog post. She’s sending her love and hopes to talk with you. She’s 87 so doesn’t do social media but she texts and talks on her cell.
Email me your phone if you’d like to touch base with her. She’s still cancer free after her clinical trial that treated her stage 4 cancer in 2003.
Jan,
Your work has meant so much to me over the years. Your Healing Journeys conference was a lifeline for me in 2011 when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. It was there that I fully understood the integrative approach even though I had been studying holistic nutrition at the time I was diagnosed. For several years I was able to attend and make meaningful connections as well as learn from amazing practitioners. Meeting Nasha Winters was a highlight. I’ve gone on to dedicate my professional life to working with breast cancer survivors, and I don’t believe that I would be in this place without having your inspiration. I’ve experienced letting go of the physical presence of many amazing women I’ve met on this journey. While it is sad and I lose a little piece of myself each time, you all give me the strength to continue my work and help whomever I can. Peace and joy to you as you move to the next stage of your journey.
Jan,
I just learned that you entered hospice and wanted to let you know that you have been an extraordinary light in my life, and an inspiration to so many. Your Healing Journey conferences provided information and spiritual insight to thousands of people, as I’m sure you know, and I was honored to be a presenter at a few of them.
Thank you for discussing your death process so openly. Your truth telling is a guiding light and soothing to the soul. You are a wonder.
blessings for peace and ease,
Nina