Since I’m having my cancer marker blood tests quarterly instead of monthly, I don’t have information on what is happening with my cancer. But I want to write about what is happening in life. The hard stop that Covid has delivered and all the divisiveness around it is sucking some of the life out of me.
I’m used to being an optimistic person, usually having something going on that I feel passionate about. I am making plans, setting goals, and creating things to look forward to. It’s hard to make any plans without knowing what will happen with Covid. I went out to dinner once during the few weeks that restaurants were open, but now even that isn’t a possibility. Every day is pretty much the same – Blursday. Sometimes it’s hard to even know what day it is.
I have a trip planned at the end of October to go to my timeshare condo in Sedona. When I made the reservations, I thought surely we would be able to travel by then, but it’s not looking good with the surge of Covid in Arizona.
I’ve been continuing with Theta Healing (a form of therapy) via Zoom. Since my cancer is currently in my lungs (breast cancer metastasized to lungs), and the lungs are related to grief, in my session this week the topic was grief. I can come up with events in my past that bring up grief for me, but the strongest feelings came up as I grieved over the loss of the life we used to know. The life that could include hugs, massages, dinner with friends, live workshops, conferences, seeing the smiles of people I pass on the streets or in the grocery store (now our smiles are masked), and travel.
I am personally not affected by the pandemic as much as many people are. I was already working from home; I was already facilitating book groups on Zoom; I still get Social Security. But I know so many people have lost their jobs, their dreams, their homes, the lives of loved ones, and their peace of mind. It’s stressful for all of us when so many of us are suffering.
Mark Nepo said in an interview that we can either feed the fire of our aliveness, or feed the fire of circumstances. There are some things I am doing that feed the fire of my aliveness. I have taken up Pickleball and play a couple times a week with some friends. We are outside, definitely physically distanced from each other, and getting fresh air and exercise. I have adopted a senior cat who is a real sweetheart. She gives me someone to talk to, and there’s nothing like the feeling and sound of a cat lying next to me purring. And I go for walks outside in the morning before the Sacramento heat takes over, and again as the sun is setting. Getting outside and enjoying the beauty of nature feels essential to maintaining a semblance of sanity, and some occasional joy.
Mark Nepo also said that no one feeling is final. Keep going. And he said we can be the keepers of kindness during this painful time of darkness. Having that intention feels useful for me in giving me a purpose while I give my full presence to whatever is before me.
There are, of course, positives coming out of this situation. Some things that are being dismantled may need to stay dismantled. Many of us don’t want to resume the level of busyness we used to have. The inability to make plans for the future is forcing us to live more in the present. I am learning to enjoy some simple things in life. I used to be too busy to sit and just enjoy a cup of tea without multi-tasking. And I don’t think as much about cancer. It is still doing whatever it is doing, but I don’t have the monthly reminder that I have it.
I’d love to hear from some of you about how you are feeling, and hopefully still moving from surviving to thriving.
Dear Jan, your notes are a beam of light during a time of such great uncertainty. There is so much anxiety and even fear these days, and this can really weigh heavily on our spirits. Your message brings hope and much needed inspiration as you share your experiences and also those of others, like Mark Nepo. Thank you for being such a warm soul and wise teacher at a time when it’s so critical to have the insights you share. Thank you, thank you, thank you…and much love to you!
This blog post was in July, but I’m going to leave this message anyway.
I don’t live in the US anymore, but I attended a few of the conferences back a few years ago. I just checked in to see what was happening in your life. I’m glad to hear you are doing well. I hope you continue to do so for a long time to come.
I also want to comment on your recent postings about cancer markers. I was told that the cancer marker is not a carved-in-stone indicator; that the number can go up and you are okay, and it can go down and the cancer is progressing. I’m not trying to put fear into you, but as I understand it, it is just one indicator that needs to be combined with other test results, etc. I would be interested to know what you understand about that.
I have been in a protocol for the past 3.5 years, and I have an extensive four-page blood lab every 28 days. They don’t even test for the cancer marker, though I don’t think they’re concerned about me as an individual, but rather how their drugs are affecting my body.
I will tell you that I have a single liver met (ER+ BC) and am currently on Fulvestrant and Tasilisib (the study drug). I remember you saying a couple of years ago that you were on Fulvestrant. Is that still the case? It doesn’t sound like it. What were the results for you from taking that drug? For me, it has kept the liver met stable, but it hasn’t disappeared (though I just read a testimony about a younger woman – I’m 73 – whose liver met disappeared on Fulvestrant and Ibrance after 6 months!). The protocol will end in December or January; I’m trying to figure out the next step to keeping it from progressing. And, I’m actually working to get rid of it all together. I was told the injections would cost $1000/mo., which would be a real strain on my finances – and the best results seem to come in combination with other drugs (with very serious potential side effects).
I’d be interested to hear of your experience with Fulvestrant, and what your healthcare providers say about the cancer marker.
I’m also trying to get back to Arizona (Tucson) for just a couple of days, so I’m also waiting on a change in the COVID situation there. This is all so surreal, but I find myself being very philosophical about it and turning more to meditation and visualization; trying to put it in a larger context. I can’t change what is happening, but I can protect and take care of myself. I, too, have not suffered like others, but I do what I can to help those around me. I am also on SS, and am able to live simply but comfortably where I am. I don’t have offspring or family, but I do have a lot of friends who ‘watch out’ for me. Other than the cancer, I am in excellent health. And, for that I am grateful.
Stay safe and be well, Jan. I hope the fact that you haven’t posted since the end of July just means you are busy playing Pickleball and spending time with your cat. You have done a lot for others facing these health challenges, and you are loved.