When I saw my oncologist on July 5, 2023, she told me that things were changing. Based on my PET scan and cancer markers (CA27.29), she thought I had less than 6 months to live. She referred me to a palliative care doctor. She would have referred me to Hospice, but I was in shock and didn’t feel ready for that. I didn’t write about this when it happened because I didn’t want to give it any energy, or make it more real. And I didn’t want to worry you.

If her prediction was correct, I wouldn’t be writing this. I can write about it now because it obviously wasn’t true. I love my palliative care doctor. We meet on Zoom once a month and last month my son joined us. I have had some minor digestive symptoms that she has helped me with, but mostly we have talked about the dying process, the signs that indicate it is happening, and how to prepare to make it a beautiful experience. So far, she says I’m not even close. I am still very engaged in life. Having her on my team has given me more peace about the inevitable.

I asked her last month if I lived three more years, would we continue meeting once a month that whole time. She said she had another patient who she met with monthly for seven years before he died three years ago. She continues to meet monthly with his wife.

When I first heard the prediction of my upcoming death, I thought my traveling days were over, and I didn’t buy new clothes or art objects. I have since gotten both new clothes and a new painting. In December, I traveled to Sedona for a week with my son and his father’s sister. We had a wonderful week of hiking. I thought that might be my last trip, but I am going to Kauai for a week next month. I also have trips planned for June, September, and November. As long as I’m able I want to enjoy life to the max.

The roller coaster continues with my cancer marker. Up one month, down the next. Except last month it was stable; not up or down. I am continuing on the protocol that my Naturopathic doctor found of alternating Estradiol and Arimidex. We have started doing my blood tests every two weeks to help us know when to switch back and forth. I have also started doing Mistletoe injections again.

I am not in any pain and I am thriving. I know I am not in charge of how long I live, and I am feeling at peace with leaving that decision to a power greater than myself. Tonight, I heard Mark Nepo say in an interview that our purpose in life was to be fully alive. In a weird way it feels like preparing for death has helped me to be more fully alive. I am grateful.