By Shieva Khayam-Bashi, MD
Why pain? Why suffering? I just could not understand.
I had just completed my three years of residency at Stanislaus Medical Center in Modesto, California, and was feeling exhausted, battered, and war-weary, worn down by the suffering of so many of my dear patients. I had seen it all—cancers of all kinds and stages, traumatic amputations, sudden paralysis, disfiguring burns, debilitating strokes, heart failure, kidney failure, lung failure, brain abscesses, and rare and incurable diseases of all kinds.
I had learned much in these three years, sharing and bearing witness to pain and sorrow. I had learned even more from the spirit of joy and love and peace that sometimes survived past the pain. I had watched, astonished, those who seemed to thrive, in spite of (or maybe because of?) their suffering. I knew that thriving in such circumstances was possible, but could not make sense of the need for suffering to be the catalyst. Of course, in caring for my patients, I “dealt with” suffering, but deep inside, I resisted it and I hated it.
How I came to understand what I needed to understand can be described only as serendipity. One day, during that hard, questioning summer after residency, a nurse handed me a brochure announcing an upcoming Healing Journeys conference titled, believe it or not, Cancer as a Turning Point—From Surviving to Thriving. As if it came directly out of a genie’s bottle, the brochure spoke precisely to what my heart ached for. “Healing Journeys,” it read, “is a non-profit organization whose mission is to support healing, activate hope, and promote thriving. Our vision is that EVERYONE touched by cancer or any life-altering illness be empowered to move from surviving to thriving.”
Of course I went on to attend that amazing (and completely free to all) weekend conference, taking my place in an auditorium in Northern California filled with over a thousand cancer patients, supporters, and health care professionals, all convened to share a weekend full of wisdom and meaning and hope. Together, we savored entertaining “Healing Stories” by witty and articulate cancer “thrivers” (not just survivors!) and others who breathed healing into our hearts by way of music, art, humor, and educational lectures.
And at that conference, in a matter of moments, the miracle I had been longing for occurred. What happened was this. First, there was silence. Then, a stunning African-American cancer survivor, dressed in a black dance leotard and beautifully colorful scarves, came out onto the stage. She smiled a warm and loving smile, bowing to the silence. Then the clear and crisp sound of John Denver’s voice filled the auditorium, pure and resonant as if he and his piano were right above us. The dancer glided across the stage, smiling widely as her elegant scarves blew behind, performing a breathtaking interpretive dance to the singer’s simple words:
All this joy, all this sorrow
All this promise, all this pain
Such is life, such is being
Such is spirit, such is love
City of joy, city of sorrow
City of promise, city of pain
Such is life, such is being
Such is spirit, such is love
World of joy, world of sorrow
World of promise, world of pain
Such is life, such is being
Such is spirit, such is love
All this joy, all this sorrow
All this promise, all this pain
Such is life, such is being
Such is spirit, such is love
Such is spirit, such is love.
From the start of the song, I felt electrified. Goosebumps formed on my skin. I was speechless. My heart felt moved in a way that is still beyond full description. It was playing out, right before my eyes and ears, as if the entire production of the song, lyrics, and dance were specially made for my benefit. To tell me in the most heart-reaching way, that the answer to the question: “All this joy, All this sorrow?” is this: “Because: Such is life. Don’t resist it, any of it. Accept this for yourself and for others, and then you will be able to help yourself and others to grow and thrive under all conditions.”
I knew that my life had been changed, for my heart now understood something that my brain had been unable to comprehend. The only answer that makes any sense rests in the peaceful acceptance that “Such is life,” that “Such is being.” For each and every one of us, life is an artful and colorful mosaic made up of countless joys as well as many sorrows, a blending of the light of promise as well as the shadow of pain. Life is not meant to be All Joy—nor is it, thank goodness, meant to be All Sorrow. Our challenge is to accept all that comes and to try to thrive, and help others to thrive, in all that happens.
Moments of inspiration come in all forms. For me, it came from a simple song and a beautiful dance. I cannot thank Healing Journeys enough for infusing my life with the deeper wisdom that I needed. Their free two-day conferences are still held annually, full of education, celebration, and empowerment to the mind, heart, and spirit of all who attend. I recommend them highly to all of my patients and colleagues, as a source for innumerable moments of inspiration.
Bio: Shieva Khayam-Bashi, MD is a clinical professor in the Department of Family and Community Medicine at University of California San Francisco. She teaches medical students and residents, and cares for patients at San Francisco General Hospital.
